One wouldn’t expect The Cow pub in Westfield shopping centre to be the sexual hot spot of London ordinarily, but when I step inside the frisson is disproportionate to its Weatherspoons-does-mock-industrial interior. This is because The Cow pub is the nearest pub to the Olympic site. 

We have all heard tales of the sexual feast that comes about when the world’s athletes and their heavenly bodies are brought together in the Olympic village, but much like roadies feeding off the crumbs of rock stars’ tables, here the 2012 lanyard wearing geeks are cleaning up. Like the newest form of ‘lock & key’ parties this is the golden accessory that might just get you laid. 

The room fills with the bravado of the meek man taking advantage of this [sexy] window of possibility. IT support? NO, you are an Olympic multimedia consultant. Security guard? NO, you are an Olympic peace keeper. Marine? NO, oh yeah, you’re a Marine. 

Christ its been an age I know. Mostly down to the time constraints of working like a mofo, but also because I can’t really reveal anything about what I’m doing for fear that the Olympic sniper will strike me down at my desk should tell you one jot of what’s planned.

I am now less than two weeks away from dancing like a tit in front of an audience of 80,000 and a tv audience of some billions. I say ‘like a tit’ but actually it looks pretty damn amazing. Mass movement is on the whole very impressive but when it’s to some classic tunes then all the more so. We’re in the stadium now and it’s pretty awesome, to use that word in its purest form. I am not, as many people think, a dancing sheep, shepherd, morris man or bush. The ‘green and pleasant land’ that has been revealed to the public will not be my mock bucolic dancefloor. Although I have many years of experience of dancing in random fields, there shall be no Wurzel and Aunt Sally polka spectacular from me.

L#1 got good news recently. She is going to be in the opening ceremony of the Paralympics. GRAEAE are producing it and they’re mega. Their recent Prometheus in Greenwich was something else, so she’s got some challenging stuff to look forward to. Also both the other Limpettes are going to witness my final dress rehearsal. Hopefully it will run much like the actual thing, and they won’t have to pay two grand for the privilege. Mum and Dad are coming too. Mum’s first question not being ‘who else is performing?’ or ‘what time will we see you?’ but ‘can we bring a picnic?’ naively oblivious to the hideous fact that the largest MaccyDs in the world is opening on the Olympic Park.

L#2

HELLO MUM. hm, need that end of row place. 

I had my first stress dream about rehearsals. Yep, not even about the actual performance. true to form I didn’t know the routine while everyone else did, I kept losing my place and was determined to get placed on the end of a line so my mum could see me on the telly. Where once my mum pushed for me to be centre stage I guess I now do my own pushing! 

Rehearsals don’t start for another four weeks so this is very premature stress. I am in pre-training training at the moment. Running three times a week. Well more of a run/walk combo, and eating healthily. I don’t want to be the clumsy, overweight, old one when I can be just one of those things. Vanity prevails.

On that note, everyone keeps asking about my costume. My main concern is that my thighs are covered and I can strap the boys down. As long as that’s taken into consideration I don’t really care. Inevitably it won’t be haute couture so can’t have too many wishes on that front. though getting out the hot glue gun and bejazzling the bejesus out of it is not entirely out of the question.

Have found out a work acquaintance, similarly not known as a ‘dancer’ will also be dancing in the Opening Ceremony. She’s in group 49D, I’m in 49E whatever that means. We’re the same age, she has a two year old. She was picked for her smile apparently. Also L#3’s sister has got a call back to be a drummer. Fabulous lady but not the most, well, percusive! Also L#1 - on paper the most qualified of all of us to qualify in some sort of performance (i.e. she has an actual offing degree in it)  - is on the subs bench that is the Reserve List. What is their criteria? Is it going to be the most crazy-arsed OC of all time with non dancers dancing and non drummers drumming like a messed up 12 days of Christmas. WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS END?!!

In other news an avid Olympic follower from Texas has suggested we home exchange (that’s a whole other post) for this summer. He will be coming to London with his NZ ex-Olympic gymnast wife and their two kids Sydney and Athens. (not Barcelona and Beijing?) Needless to say I shall not be swapping with them. Principally because they live in Fort Worth and having been to Texas I have no great desire to return unless it is to star in the remake of Dallas with Brad Pitt (who was actually in it as Charlene Tilton’s boyfriend) but because that’s way more Olympics than this girl can handle. 

L#2

For some reason this sprang to mind recently. Probably because I haven’t been to the gym more than once in three weeks. But somehow the baking quote has gone up. If only Les was here to introduce us at the Opening Ceremony. 

Having once played ‘a cyclone’ in a primary school production of the Wizard of Oz  I ‘wonder’ if I am destined to play ethereal spirits, only this time in the style of The Tempest - trapped on a desert island inhabited by an old loon, a clubfooted halfwit and a bunch of marooned fops? (insert names of Boris, Seb, et al here at will)

Also, while on wonders I am reminded of how much I used to like the Wonderstuff and that it would be marvellous for me and my two limpette friends if the following were to happen for the OC:

Dressed as Wonderwoman in costumes made from the magical foodstuff that is Wonderbread we dance with Fred Savage of The Wonder Years as the Wonderstuff perform Wonderful, wonderful Copenhagen.  

L#2

SO, the news you’ve all been waiting for… WE DID IT!

Well L#3 and I did which is pretty good going and as L#1 has remained silent on Tumblr thus far I’m guessing we’ll be telling you her news very soon.

Now it’s all about the costume. I’m thinking foam red telephone box or perhaps Lady Beefeater would be ace. However, I’m more inclined to think I’ll end up in the ‘Ladies of Carnival’ (ie arse prolific) or Drag Queens of the East End group. Will have to wait and see as rehearsals don’t start until after Easter. That gives me three months to get into what I like to call “Debbie Allen” shape. I don’t want fame and I’m not willing to pay for it but it gives me an excuse to wear legwarmers and carry a cane.

Oh and of course I nearly forgot, people’s reactions when I tell them I’m actually DANCING in the Opening Ceremony of the Olympics (yes, that one, the proper on the tellies of millions one) is this…

UNABASHED HYSTERIA

L#2

Fresh Prince’s Aunt Vivian’s dance audition. Thanks to Guy for this rare treat. If only had been that good! The end bit’s spot on though…